Setting and Enforcing Boundaries: A Practical Guide
What are Boundaries?
The concept of boundaries has gained popularity in recent years, entering our mainstream lexicon. However, it has a much longer history in the field of family therapy. Coined by Salvador Minuchin, the founder of Structural Family Therapy, boundaries are the invisible lines that delineate physical and emotional distance between individuals. Put another way, boundaries are the guidelines we create to identify for ourselves and others how we would like to be interacted with. Minuchin believed that appropriate boundaries are essential to protecting personal autonomy and fostering healthy relationships within families. However, the same is true of other social units such as romantic relationships, workplaces and communities. Boundaries separate our needs, desires, responsibilities, feelings, opinions and thoughts from those of others. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries enables us to ensure our physical and mental well being; achieve a sense of autonomy and individuality; and prioritize self-care. Boundaries also allow us to enjoy healthy relationships by creating clear parameters of interaction. On the other hand, not setting healthy boundaries can lead to over-enmeshment or excessive detachment between members of a social unit, resulting in mental distress and relational breakdown.
The Types of Boundaries
Minuchin identified three different types of boundaries in his work: rigid, diffuse and clear. Rigid boundaries occur when members of a social unit are excessively detached from each other. Their relationships are fragile and characterized by an avoidance of intimacy and lack of integration and interdependence. People who share rigid boundaries often find communication and emotional expression very difficult. Diffuse or enmeshed boundaries occur when members of a social unit lack independence and autonomy. The emotional states of members are deeply entangled and they are often overly involved in each others’ problems. Members also find it difficult to say no and fear rejection if they do not comply with the will of others. Social units with clear or healthy boundaries have well defined parameters of interaction, enabling members to comfortably share their thoughts and feelings. Members of these units are also more likely to value their personal identity and autonomy as well as those of others.
The Importance of Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is essential to our individual and relational well being. On an individual level, clear boundaries enable us to set rules and guidelines for how we would like others to interact with us. This enables us to prioritize self-care by giving appropriate weight to our own needs and wants, rather than becoming subsumed in those of others. Moreover, it allows us to develop and maintain a sense of autonomy and individuality. By enabling us to differentiate between our own rights and responsibilities and those of others, boundaries allow us to hold ourselves and those in our lives accountable. Finally, boundaries can empower us to avoid and remove ourselves from situations that compromise our safety and security.
On a relational level, boundaries are beneficial because they create interpersonal contexts that are characterized by safety and respect. This promotes healthy relationships by fostering intimacy, empathy, openness and mutual understanding. Members of social units that share clear boundaries are not only better able to care for themselves, but also for each other. In ensuring that their own wants and needs are met first, these members are able to avoid resentment and attend to the needs of others in ways that deepen connection and mutual fulfilment. By outlining acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, boundaries also allow individuals to interact on terms that work for them. This reduces miscommunication and emotional distress. Finally, boundaries are key to relational well being because they allow members of social units to achieve a healthy medium between enmeshment and disengagement. People who share clear boundaries enjoy their personal independence while also maintaining a healthy degree of mutual care and interdependence.
Signs of Problematic Boundaries
Minuchin identified two forms of problematic boundaries--rigid and diffuse. Symptoms of rigid boundaries include members erecting defensive barriers to maintain their emotional distance; lack of group identity and cohesion; lack of communication and emotional expression; and avoidance of intimacy and connection. Among the signs of diffuse or enmeshed boundaries are intolerance for difference; lack of privacy; lack of individuation and self-direction; lack of personal freedom and autonomy; emotional enmeshment; oversharing; gross power imbalances; and sexual and physical abuse.
How to Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be challenging for a number of reasons. Growing up in a family with rigid or diffuse boundaries can make it difficult to know how to set clear boundaries in future relationships. It can also make individuals develop a fear of rejection and abandonment if they attempt to set boundaries as well as feel guilty for prioritizing their wants and needs. Setting boundaries can be particularly difficult in situations where one’s safety is at risk as there may be a threat of violent retaliation. In these cases, it may not be possible to explicitly set out boundaries. Working with a counselor or social worker to develop a safety plan can be more helpful and boundary setting may be a part of this.
Setting and enforcing boundaries involves multiple steps. First, it is essential to assess the current state of your boundaries. Are they clear, diffuse, rigid or a combination of these? Can you identify any symptoms or red flags of unhealthy boundaries? Next, note how your boundaries are impacting you and identify how you would like to adjust them in order to better protect your safety, security and overall well-being. You do not need to delineate these new boundaries all at once. Rather, start with just one if that seems more manageable. In the context of a romantic relationship, this may be as simple as telling your partner you feel uncomfortable with public displays of affection. You are setting a physical and emotional boundary by letting them know that this form of interaction is not acceptable to you.
Once you have identified the boundaries you would like to set, the next step is communicating them to the people in your life. When discussing boundaries, it is best to set them out clearly, firmly and respectfully in as few words as possible. Although you may feel a pang of guilt, be assured that you are under no obligation to justify or apologize for your boundaries. Remind yourself that you are entitled to prioritize your wants and needs and that, whatever the other person’s reaction, they are solely responsible for their thoughts and feelings. Your only obligation is to be upfront about how you would like them to treat and interact with you. If the other person is accustomed to manipulating you, they may continue to violate your boundaries once you set them out. Expect and plan for this. Remain firm on your boundaries and prepare to hold them accountable with consequences if necessary. The difficult reality of setting boundaries is that some people may never be willing to respect them. In these unfortunate situations, it is helpful to keep in mind the following quote from Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Setting boundaries is challenging and it is okay if it does not come naturally to you. Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember that boundary-setting is a lifelong process. Practice makes perfect and the guilt and embarrassment that may accompany your initial attempts at setting and enforcing boundaries will subside with time. Make life easier for yourself and try, whenever possible, to surround yourself with individuals who respect your boundaries and encourage you to prioritize self-care.