Self-Compassion and New Year's Resolutions: An Unlikely Pairing
Blog post written by Lama El-Hanan, Straight Up Health
I tend to avoid the gym during the first two weeks of January. It is often much busier and, consequently, sweatier and stinkier than usual. As you can probably guess, this is due to the tradition of setting New Year's resolutions. 55 percent of these resolutions are health and fitness related. But by February, traffic at the gym resumes its usual pace and it is a much more comfortable place for introverts like me. Why is this the case? Whether it is exercising more or becoming a more attentive partner, we tend to give up on our resolutions within the first couple of months of the new year. In fact, around 80% of people fail to keep their New Year's resolutions. However, despite the pervasiveness of failure, we tend to view our own as evidence of a unique lack of drive and determination. I argue that we may have misidentified the culprit. Our inability to stick to our New Year's resolutions is not a function of our laziness. Rather, I believe that it is a product of our hypercriticism and lack of self-compassion. Although it seems immensely counterintuitive, going easier on ourselves is a requisite to achieving our goals. Self-compassion is the ultimate antidote to the resolution flop.
What is Self-Compassion?
According to researcher and author Dr. Kristen Neff, self-compassion involves extending compassion to ourselves in situations of failure or suffering. Self-compassion was conceptualized as an alternative to the idea of self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to the degree to which we evaluate ourselves favourably, often in comparison to others. Self-compassion, on the other hand, invites us to embrace our shared humanity. It posits that we are inherently worthy and valuable by virtue of our existence, not because we are somehow more special or better than others.
Dr. Neff outlines three essential elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness involves being gentle with ourselves when we encounter personal difficulties, rather than engaging in a vicious cycle of self-criticism. This attitude stems from the recognition that set-backs and challenges are a part of life. Common humanity involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are universal features of the human experience. This counters the irrational sense of isolation that we feel when we face challenges or make mistakes. Mindfulness, in the context of self-compassion, involves approaching negative thoughts and emotions in a balanced way so that they are neither suppressed or hyperbolized. This stems from the idea that we cannot practice self-compassion while ignoring or overly identifying with our pain.
How Does Self-Compassion Help us Achieve our Goals?
Self-compassion has a multitude of benefits for our emotional and mental health. It has been shown to enhance positive mind states and reduce anxiety and stress. Moreover, self-compassion has been found to be an effective strategy for coping with difficult life-transitions and chronic illnesses. Most importantly for our purposes, research indicates that self-compassion increases motivation and initiative. Self-compassionate people have a healthier attitude to failure, recognizing it as a part of life rather than a commentary on their potential. As a result, they are less likely to experience performance anxiety and engage in self-sabotaging behaviours. Self-compassionate people also have fewer fears and anxieties around failure and are therefore more inclined to take chances and try again when they fail. Further, self-compassion has been correlated with greater efforts to learn and improve from mistakes.
How Can Self-Compassion Be Incorporated into our Resolutions?
So we have learnt about self-compassion and the way it positively impacts motivation. How, then, can we harness it to stick to our resolutions? The answer lies in changing our attitude to failure.
First, we must recognize that failure is a defining feature of the human experience and not an indication of a lack of talent or ability. Far from demonstrating that we can never achieve our goals, set-backs are an indication that we are on the right track. As long as we are failing, we are trying. It is estimated that smokers must make 30 attempts before they are successful at quitting. It would be a shame if someone stopped at attempt 29, believing they could never do it.
Second, it is helpful to reconceptualize failure as an opportunity for learning and growth. Author John C. Maxwell coined the term “failing forward” to describe the process of rebounding and moving on from failure. Failing forward involves recognizing failure as temporary and ubiquitous and using it as an opportunity to assess where we went wrong and how we can do better. By adopting this attitude towards failure, we ensure that we will continually improve and evolve.